Energetic Boundaries
How and when to let go of "stress by others"
Massage is a great way to de-stress and many of my clients ask for help during a session to lessen the effects of demanding bosses, nagging spouses, overwhelming co-workers or unruly teenagers. Common complaints are neck and shoulder pains of "feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders" and low back pains when experiencing a lack of support in their lives. The mind body connection is well studied and understood. Emotional stresses get stored in your body and create dis-ease. Left alone these stresses can turn into a well documented list of health problems.
An amazing observation is that the stresses I notice in my clients often belong to someone else. Many take on other people's problems and claim them as their own. A simple way to understand this is to watch a group of happy talking friends when another friend who is feeling depressed walks up and joins the discussion. Notice what happens the next time you are in this situation. The "happy" level of the group will diminish. Some of the friends will be able to simply offer their support and then brush off the depressed feeling when they leave the discussion. Others seem to carry that feeling with them for a time. Others may dwell on it and seem to never let it go.
We all have times when we have trouble letting go of the stress of others. A stressed boss with a past due deadline is certainly capable of passing that stress on to employees responsible for helping to meet that deadline. Some of those employees may experience trouble sleeping, aches and pains, or other symptoms as they take on the worry of their boss. If left uncared for, those worries can accumulate into health concerns. So how do we avoid taking on the stress or negative energy of others?
The answer is to set up energetic boundaries. Many people will interpret this as a boundary that emotionally separates you from the other person. While this may work to keep you safe from taking on the worries of others it also creates other forms of stress. It takes constant attendance and energy to keep up a barrier of this type. If you let the barrier slip some negative energy might get in. It also creates distance between yourself and the other person. This may create tension from a boss who thinks you do not take your job seriously or a spouse who feels your energetic distance. Clients I see who handle boundaries in this way often complain, or are very stoic about, a lack of closeness to others. Their bodies are worn out from constant surveillance and depressed from a lack of community with others.
Other people will cringe at the thought of setting up a boundary. They seem to live off their connection to other people. And in fact, many do. They are the very helpful, the very concerned, the ones who take on the burdens of everyone else. I rarely see these people on my table until they are so worn out with their burdens that they simply can not go on. They are so busy with others concerns that they never take time for themselves until their bodies will simply not go on. So what is the answer? It is love. Love is my favorite boundary of all because it does not separate. It is inclusive.
When a person radiates with true non-judgmental, unconditional love of others and of self it is difficult for negative thoughts and worries of others to get in. Imagine the difference between rowing a boat upstream and gently floating with the river downstream. If you radiate love, people will have a hard time rowing their negative energy up stream. The beautiful part of this is that love will recognize love and you will be able to feel and experience the love of others without excluding them.
With practice, the person who has set up strong boundaries will feel safe in letting those boundaries down and start to again experience community. The ever giving person will be able to experience self love and learn when it is appropriate to give of themselves and when it is appropriate not to.
Most people who live in these two extremes need help to shift into a pattern of radiating love. It is important to release old patterns from the body and mind. Meditations about self love, soaks in Epsom salt baths, massage, quiet walks with a friend, professional counseling, Energy Balance, and Whole Body Unwinding are just some of the things that can help. What ever path you choose it is important to do something to shift the old patterns. Your health may depend on it.